I always seem to find new motivation when I go to the childrens hospital. Sometimes I get so bogged down with school work and work and trying to do so much in so little time there are times I want to throw my hands in the air and quite and go work at the grocery store for the rest of my life and become that nice old gentleman that bags your groceries but always puts the canned food on top of the bread. Sometimes a less demanding career and fifteen less years of school and training seem pretty appealing. But then I run into a little girl at the hospital like the one I have gotten the opportunity to know the last couple weeks.
This adorable little girl stands just over four feet tall and I would be suprised if she weighed forty pounds. Her body has been so ravished there is little left. She hadn't been able to walk in weeks and the first time I met her was the first time she was able to walk down the hall with the aid of her walker. She was obviously in pain. Feeding tubes ran from her nostrils, IV lines ran from her constant companion of an IV pole into the port in her tiny little chest. her walking consisted of hopping on her one leg she could bare weight on. Physically, she was in shambles. But from her sunken face radiated the most endearing smile. Her voice was so polite and so sweet. Everything made her smile, life was still a beautiful thing. She had every reason to be down, but found every reason to be happy. Her mom had brought her to the playroom in hopes to get a few minutes to take a shower as being at her daughters side for days had not afforded her the opportunity. This little girl instantly brightened the play room. She talked and laughed with us and even drew pictures for us. I sat in awe at her cheerfulness and strength. I can't think of a more sweet and polite girl I have ever met. It was a mix of emotions, her physically diminished appearance was enough to make anyones heart drop but her countenance and smile could lift the heaviest heart. When her mom returned to the playroom and they were leaving she turned to her mom and said "Mom I want to give him a hug." How could I resist? I tenderly hugged her and watched her slowly make her way back to her room for the night. She truly had left me in awe.
At times when I feel like pursuing such a proffession is too much or I feel like I am having a bad day I can't help but think of this little girl and countless other little pillars of strength I have come across in the hospital. Children who, despite pain, fear, and being faced with a dehabilitating disease find ways to not only be happy themselves, but to radiate that joy to everyone around them. Pediatric oncology certainly has its hard days, but with the example of this little girl and so many others there really is no way to have a bad day.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The 3day
I am finally blogging about the 3day. Better late than never right? In November I had the opportunity to Walk in the breast cancer 3day walking sixty miles over three days to support and raise money for breast cancer research and education. I know this doesn't have much to do with pediatric cancer but the research that goes into breast cancer has application in other types of cancer.
The best thing about the 3day was being around two thousand other people who are doing something in a big way for the fight for cancer. It was amazing to hear their individual experiences and why they were walking. It was amazing how many of them were cancer survivors themselves. For most people getting cancer would be enough, but these amazing people were giving what they had after almost giving all in the fight against cancer. One of the most amazing stories came from a lady that was first diagnosed with breast cancer ten years ago. She was able to beat it and went into remission. But four years later she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Once again she went through chemo and radiation and beat ovarian cancer. Then last year she was again diagnosed with breast cancer, This time it had spread throughout her whole body. She walked all sixty miles of the three day last year between her thirteenth and fourteenth round of chemo! This year she was walking again, cancer free. Ten years ago stage four breast cancer held little hope..there is no stage five. But today advances in treatment has allowed people like her to survive because of people like her making a difference. Sixty miles was a LONG way. I would be lying to say I wasn't sore and tired and walking in pain but to hear stories like that there was no way I could complain.
I had a team to walk with but I was the only member of that team to raise the $2200 required to walk and so I did it alone. Although it would have been nice to have someone to do it with it was also good to do it alone because it caused me to talk to so many new people and to meet people all along the way. I met people that came all the way from england to walk in the 3day. All in all it was an amazing experience. Thanks to everyone who donated to my 3day. It was so refreshing to spend 3days with people so commited to doing what they can and to see the amazing support from the community. It was hard not to cry walking by little girls holding signs saying things like thanks for walking for the grandma I'll never meet. Truly Inspirational.
The best thing about the 3day was being around two thousand other people who are doing something in a big way for the fight for cancer. It was amazing to hear their individual experiences and why they were walking. It was amazing how many of them were cancer survivors themselves. For most people getting cancer would be enough, but these amazing people were giving what they had after almost giving all in the fight against cancer. One of the most amazing stories came from a lady that was first diagnosed with breast cancer ten years ago. She was able to beat it and went into remission. But four years later she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Once again she went through chemo and radiation and beat ovarian cancer. Then last year she was again diagnosed with breast cancer, This time it had spread throughout her whole body. She walked all sixty miles of the three day last year between her thirteenth and fourteenth round of chemo! This year she was walking again, cancer free. Ten years ago stage four breast cancer held little hope..there is no stage five. But today advances in treatment has allowed people like her to survive because of people like her making a difference. Sixty miles was a LONG way. I would be lying to say I wasn't sore and tired and walking in pain but to hear stories like that there was no way I could complain.
I had a team to walk with but I was the only member of that team to raise the $2200 required to walk and so I did it alone. Although it would have been nice to have someone to do it with it was also good to do it alone because it caused me to talk to so many new people and to meet people all along the way. I met people that came all the way from england to walk in the 3day. All in all it was an amazing experience. Thanks to everyone who donated to my 3day. It was so refreshing to spend 3days with people so commited to doing what they can and to see the amazing support from the community. It was hard not to cry walking by little girls holding signs saying things like thanks for walking for the grandma I'll never meet. Truly Inspirational.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Six years
Last month marked six years since watching my best friend die of cancer and really the start of my journey down the road of persuing a profession in childhood cancer. The experience of watching him die a very graphic death, the flashbacks, the depression that followed, having to lose a friend that was more of a brother; all of this at times I feel I would have rather done without. But then again where would I be if none of this hapenned? Who would I be? I probably wouldn't have a blog about childhood cancer or be working with the amazing kids at the hospital. I may not even be looking at a career in pediatric oncology or even in medicine. I probably wouldn't be persuing the oppotunities that I have to be involved in research in childhood cancers. I think my life would be alot different.
Sure watching my friend die and everything afterward is markebly probably the hardest year in my life. I never thought he would die. There was times I wanted to give up on life myself. Times I wished I never had that experience. But I feel the words from the Rascall Flatts song "Here" kind of sums up what my feelings have become. "and I wouldn't change a thing, I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart on the day that it was breaking. and I'd relive all the years, and be thankful for the tears I cried with every stumble step...[that] got me here." I am sad that such an amazing young man had to lose his life to such a terrible disease. But I am glad I was able to be a part of it. I am thankful for the experiences that came to break me and then make me.
Sure watching my friend die and everything afterward is markebly probably the hardest year in my life. I never thought he would die. There was times I wanted to give up on life myself. Times I wished I never had that experience. But I feel the words from the Rascall Flatts song "Here" kind of sums up what my feelings have become. "and I wouldn't change a thing, I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart on the day that it was breaking. and I'd relive all the years, and be thankful for the tears I cried with every stumble step...[that] got me here." I am sad that such an amazing young man had to lose his life to such a terrible disease. But I am glad I was able to be a part of it. I am thankful for the experiences that came to break me and then make me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A lion in the house
One of the child life specialist and I were having a conversation on a slow day in oncology and talking about one of the patients that was dying. He mentioned a movie he had saw on childhood cancer called "A lion in the house" and suggested that I watch it. So I found it on amazon and ordered it and finally got a chance to watch it a few days ago. It is a docummentary that follows five kids with cancer through years of treatment till remission or death. It was a very interesting doccumentary and did well at showing all sides of the struggle. There was a few things that really stood out to me.
In one part of the movie an older brother is talking about his brother who has been battling leukemia for ten years and says. 'no one really knows how he feels because no one really talks to him.' and he kinda laughs about it while it shows his little brother at his birthday party kinda off by himself. It kinda hit me how true that is in alot of cases. Everyone talks ABOUT the little girl or boy with cancer but no one talks TO the little boy or girl with cancer. I suppose alot of people don't know what to say, or how to approach the issue. And alot of people can't see past the disease. Sometimes we forget they are kids not diseases. That is one of the main goals of child life is to look past the disease and treat them like the kid they are. They still want to play and have fun. They still want people to talk to. They want to be treated normal. Many of the kids in the video mentioned how it was hard at school because people wouldn't talk to them. This doesn't just apply to cancer but to all types of diseases and conditions. Talk to these kids! they may be some of the strongest and most inspirational people you will ever meet. You don't have to talk to them about their disease. I almost never talk to these kids about their diseases. Talk to them about batman, barbies, or baseball, it doesn't matter. let them choose the topic
At the end of the video one of the pediatric oncologists says "doctors aren't leaving oncology because kids are dying, rather they are sticking with oncology because kids are dying." He also says 'It is NEVER gets easy to see a kid die. I hope it never does. If it gets easy I need to switch careers.' This was a bit reassuring for me to hear. Sometimes it does get to me and I wonder. should I be immune to all of this? Should I be able to see a kid suffer through cancer and lose their battle and just be able to shrug it all off? I've come to the conclusion that the answer is in fact no! It should effect me! It should motivate me to be better, to try harder, to learn more, to help more, support more, and to do everything I can so it doesn't happen again.
In one part of the movie an older brother is talking about his brother who has been battling leukemia for ten years and says. 'no one really knows how he feels because no one really talks to him.' and he kinda laughs about it while it shows his little brother at his birthday party kinda off by himself. It kinda hit me how true that is in alot of cases. Everyone talks ABOUT the little girl or boy with cancer but no one talks TO the little boy or girl with cancer. I suppose alot of people don't know what to say, or how to approach the issue. And alot of people can't see past the disease. Sometimes we forget they are kids not diseases. That is one of the main goals of child life is to look past the disease and treat them like the kid they are. They still want to play and have fun. They still want people to talk to. They want to be treated normal. Many of the kids in the video mentioned how it was hard at school because people wouldn't talk to them. This doesn't just apply to cancer but to all types of diseases and conditions. Talk to these kids! they may be some of the strongest and most inspirational people you will ever meet. You don't have to talk to them about their disease. I almost never talk to these kids about their diseases. Talk to them about batman, barbies, or baseball, it doesn't matter. let them choose the topic
At the end of the video one of the pediatric oncologists says "doctors aren't leaving oncology because kids are dying, rather they are sticking with oncology because kids are dying." He also says 'It is NEVER gets easy to see a kid die. I hope it never does. If it gets easy I need to switch careers.' This was a bit reassuring for me to hear. Sometimes it does get to me and I wonder. should I be immune to all of this? Should I be able to see a kid suffer through cancer and lose their battle and just be able to shrug it all off? I've come to the conclusion that the answer is in fact no! It should effect me! It should motivate me to be better, to try harder, to learn more, to help more, support more, and to do everything I can so it doesn't happen again.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Horses and Hospitals
I realized something a few weeks ago that helped me understand some questions I had. I suppose I should start with how these questions came about.
A few weeks ago at one of the hospitals one of my responsibilities as a child life volunteer is to go around to rooms of children who are alone in the hospital and don't have people to visit with them and interact with them. I was on the oncology unit but it had been a hard week in oncology. Most of the kids were so sick and on neutropenic precautions and so after going around and checking on all of them there was little I could do as most of them just wanted to rest. So I decided to go over to the general pediatric unit to check on the kids there.
As I was walking around the unit checking on different kids I kept walking by an open door with a little girl in there. She looked longingly from the crib she was in every time I walked by. I looked at her notes and in capital letters it said "ALONE ALL THE TIME." Eventually I couldn't resist her pleading look anymore and decided I had to go see her. She was on respiratory and contact precautions so for me to go in there I have to wear the gown and gloves and mask and the whole nine yards. I am sure I looked more like I was going into a nuclear reactor than to visit a little baby. But as soon as this little girl saw me coming in the room her face lit up. She smiled from ear to ear and said hi. I walked over and lowered her crib rails and she immediately came to me and hugged me. I found a little keyboard in her crib that could be set to play music. I started dancing and so did she.
We had so much fun dancing and she was laughing and giggling and having a great time. I turned around to see about ten doctors and nurses looking in the door at our little dance party. It must been a pretty funny sight seeing radioactive man dancing with the cutest little one year old girl. I made sure to bust out all my funniest dance moves to keep the little girl laughing and provide side entertainment for the nursing station. But I couldn't help but think how could anyone just leave their baby alone for days in the hospital? How could anyone leave this darling little girl "alone all the time?"
The next day I was visiting a friend who's Mom was in the hospital and she talked about how her brother never comes to visit even though her Mom was dying. I thought how could he not come? How could he not want to be with his dying mom? We talked about how some people just can't handle sickness and hospitals and seeing people in such a bad state. It wasn't till a few weeks later that I understood this so much more.
My horse that I have had for years and was my buddy came down with pnuemonia and became very ill. He was a really old horse, (33 years old, ancient for a horse) and with the infection had very labored breathing and couldn't stand up or walk. The vet was coming out the next morning but he looked so bad I decided to stay the night with him and check on him every half an hour or so. So i brought my cot out there and set it up just outside the stall. But as I watched him there suffering and I knew how high spirited he was before he became sick and how he loved to run and could see it in his eyes how much he was suffering not being able to do that. I would rub his shoulder and he would rest his head on my arm. I could see the discomfort and pain in his eyes and it killed me! I wanted to leave! I couldn't handle seeing him like that! I just wanted to leave and come back in the morning and he would just some how be better and I wouldn't have to see him like that.
I didn't leave, I stayed the night, but I realized why some people wouldn't be able to stay with their sick kids. How they would want to leave and just come back when they are all better and not have to watch them suffer. I certainly did! I also understood how some of these parents can sleep in chairs and on couches in hospital rooms for years as their child with cancer goes through treatment. I saw and felt both sides that night. It was just a horse, and although this horse meant a lot to me it is not the same as a child. I can imagine how the feelings would be amplified a hundred times if it was a child. I guess sometimes until we experience things ourselves we don't know how we will feel or think and can't be quick to judge others on feelings and emotions we don't understand.
A few weeks ago at one of the hospitals one of my responsibilities as a child life volunteer is to go around to rooms of children who are alone in the hospital and don't have people to visit with them and interact with them. I was on the oncology unit but it had been a hard week in oncology. Most of the kids were so sick and on neutropenic precautions and so after going around and checking on all of them there was little I could do as most of them just wanted to rest. So I decided to go over to the general pediatric unit to check on the kids there.
As I was walking around the unit checking on different kids I kept walking by an open door with a little girl in there. She looked longingly from the crib she was in every time I walked by. I looked at her notes and in capital letters it said "ALONE ALL THE TIME." Eventually I couldn't resist her pleading look anymore and decided I had to go see her. She was on respiratory and contact precautions so for me to go in there I have to wear the gown and gloves and mask and the whole nine yards. I am sure I looked more like I was going into a nuclear reactor than to visit a little baby. But as soon as this little girl saw me coming in the room her face lit up. She smiled from ear to ear and said hi. I walked over and lowered her crib rails and she immediately came to me and hugged me. I found a little keyboard in her crib that could be set to play music. I started dancing and so did she.
We had so much fun dancing and she was laughing and giggling and having a great time. I turned around to see about ten doctors and nurses looking in the door at our little dance party. It must been a pretty funny sight seeing radioactive man dancing with the cutest little one year old girl. I made sure to bust out all my funniest dance moves to keep the little girl laughing and provide side entertainment for the nursing station. But I couldn't help but think how could anyone just leave their baby alone for days in the hospital? How could anyone leave this darling little girl "alone all the time?"
The next day I was visiting a friend who's Mom was in the hospital and she talked about how her brother never comes to visit even though her Mom was dying. I thought how could he not come? How could he not want to be with his dying mom? We talked about how some people just can't handle sickness and hospitals and seeing people in such a bad state. It wasn't till a few weeks later that I understood this so much more.
My horse that I have had for years and was my buddy came down with pnuemonia and became very ill. He was a really old horse, (33 years old, ancient for a horse) and with the infection had very labored breathing and couldn't stand up or walk. The vet was coming out the next morning but he looked so bad I decided to stay the night with him and check on him every half an hour or so. So i brought my cot out there and set it up just outside the stall. But as I watched him there suffering and I knew how high spirited he was before he became sick and how he loved to run and could see it in his eyes how much he was suffering not being able to do that. I would rub his shoulder and he would rest his head on my arm. I could see the discomfort and pain in his eyes and it killed me! I wanted to leave! I couldn't handle seeing him like that! I just wanted to leave and come back in the morning and he would just some how be better and I wouldn't have to see him like that.
I didn't leave, I stayed the night, but I realized why some people wouldn't be able to stay with their sick kids. How they would want to leave and just come back when they are all better and not have to watch them suffer. I certainly did! I also understood how some of these parents can sleep in chairs and on couches in hospital rooms for years as their child with cancer goes through treatment. I saw and felt both sides that night. It was just a horse, and although this horse meant a lot to me it is not the same as a child. I can imagine how the feelings would be amplified a hundred times if it was a child. I guess sometimes until we experience things ourselves we don't know how we will feel or think and can't be quick to judge others on feelings and emotions we don't understand.
Friday, October 24, 2008
first blog
Ok so enough people convinced me to start a blog of my adventures of aspiring to be a pediatric oncologist. Since watching my best friend die at the age of eighteen of cancer (I will explain the whole story later) I have wanted to pursue a profession in the field of pediatric oncology to do what I can to work with the amazing kids battling this terrible disease. I am well on my way to my goal but still have a long, long road ahead of me. I am a Junior in a Bio medicinal Chemistry undergrad and volunteer in child life at two childrens hospitals in the pediatric oncology/hematology unit. Next year I will hopefully have the opportunity to research treatments for cancer at the university and hospital. Stories will soon follow. :)
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